Hollywood Knows: he looks ridiculous, but he loves his snuggy.

My first commercial:

are you fat and lazy?

Patsy: boy, Am I ever!

Is this you?

Close up shot on trying to type through blanket, get popcorn, spill milk.

Then Have I got a product for you! It's called a snugglebuddy!Snuggle buddy has one small change that makes one HUGE difference.With stealthily located elongated external ventialtion exit, or SLEEVE, we solve all your problems.

Snugglebuddy! It's all you've ever wanted, if all you've ever wanted was a blanket with SLEEVE technology!But, wait there's more... If you call today, we'll upgrade you to the extra doubleplusgood Snugglebuddy, with EXTRA SLEEVE TECHNOLOGY.

Have you ever needed to hold a glass AND a plate while wearing a blanket?

Or type with two hands?

Hold two fire arms?

Load one firearm?

Carry a baby?

Masturbate while cleaning the tears off your face so you can see the porn more clearly?

Then the Snugglebuddy doubleplusgood edition is right FOR YOU!

And if you call in the next ten minutes, we'll include a free crack whore* to blow you under the snugglebuddy!

*Gender of crack whore cannot be guaranteed, or sometimes even determined.

Hollywood knows: talk about marriage should be done with discretion.

My roommate, Tex, and his girlfriend, Non-Neurotic Dancer, are making dinner. I love it when they do this, because Tex is a great cook and includes me in the portion sizes. I try to reciprocate, but they eat together and I can rarely break into their plans enough to feed them.

It's chili tonight, I'm having a 2006 Bull's Blood.

That aside, Tex does his own taxes. He's doing them as the beans boil and NND tidies up a bit. They're discussing why he does his own taxes and how difficult it is when I hear this bombshell: "When we're married and have assets, It'll be harder."

WHA-HUH-HUT?!

Here is when marriage talk is appropriate:
Dad's got a gun and wants to open the floor for discussion.
Svetlana's visa is up, and her stripping gig is lucrative.
You've been together for 5 years, non-stop, and haven't gotten tired of your partner yet.
You've been together 7 years and the ultimatum comes.

Times when marriage talk is NOT appropriate:
either party is naked or drunk.
either party is in their first relationship.
either party has lost their virginity in the last 6 months.
either party is homeless or running away.
either party is unsure of their sexual orientation.
either party beleives the female orgasm is a myth.

Here is my personal opinion. I don't support marriage. I think it's a perverse lifestyle, and I think that married people are actively recruiting our children to their way. I get so tired of seeing two people holding hands on the street, openly broadcasting their sexual limits to one specific partner, trying to convince it's ok to sleep with the same person for life.

Now, I know we all get confused. Hell, I thought I wanted to be married once. I learned better, though, and now I see the clear truth. Marriage is unnatural and weird, and the people who do it are doomed to risk dealing with alimony, divorce, wine tasting, and never being able to flirt again.

Hollywood knows: waking up sucks.

So I stayed up till about 4 playing penny hold 'em, actually had a successful night, tripled my buy in twice. However, I didn't wake up till 2 pm. That puts me 4 hours behind. I skipped women's studies (yeah, I shoulda been able to klep out, I KNOW!) and still had to rush to get a shower and make it to mock trial. I have to make it to student senate by 5.

We got alot to handle. The emergency texting system is failing on campus, they're improving it, but I'm getting blown off by the school administration. The appropriations meeting is coming up, and we're take a 6.4% budget cut, retroactively, which is basically twice that for the next two fiscal quarters. We're trying to convince the paper to stop printing so many papers because they're going straight to the recycle. I love kicking ass on campus... when I have the energy.

This day will be an ode to red bull. I LOVE THAT SHIT!

Hollywood knows: Jesus wouldn't vote for most republicans.

He would, however, go all temple courtyard on your hummer-drivin' asses.

I should clarify: I'm an athiest.
Jesus is still alright with me, but there is no way, given the nature of God and the nature of reality, that God exists.

Ask me to prove it. I dare you.

Hollywood knows: anything you want to know.

This is a TOTAL cop-out, but let's give it a shot.

What do you want to know? I'll answer any questions. I swear to you that I know everything that can be known (yeah yeah yeah, google did it first).

Try me.

Hollywood knows: how to make a roux and when.

a roux is used to thicken sauces, usually white sauces.

Take fat (butter or oil) and heat to liquid, medium-low.
add an equal part of starch (usually flour).

cook on medium-low until it smells like nuts or turns a blonde color.

yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what this blog will be about. Things should get more interesting as I get drunker and madder.