Home for the holidays

I'm at home, and I'm not really compelled to drink, but I'm so empty.
I spent the weekend out with my friends (read:barhopping) and didn't
drink. Wasn't really even tempted. But still, I feel so much remorse
and emptiness. It's been 21 days. 3 weeks sober.

I feel totally decompressed, totally physically adjusted to my new
sobriety. But socially, personally... What do I have?

Shrink asked me the other day: "what is going to keep you sober?" and
I have no clue. Am I recovering for my music?for my writing? For my
future?

The story of the Buddha is long, but his path to enlightment was
arched around two seven year periods. One, the period where he was a
total ascetic, starving himself and meditating for months and years on
end. The other, he was indulgent and self-pleasing, all in the name of
the elimination of dukkha, suffering. He left both and found the
middle way.

New favorite thing: music in the shower so loud that I can't hear how
out of tune I am.

Day 19

No deep thoughts on sobriety today. I did learn a trigger: finishing
things. Being done with finals has made me want to drink more than
anything else so far. I'm displacing less, but smoking seems to help
not craving a drink.

And I still have the beard.

it's a move I'm calling the deuce

Every female duo has this dichotomy: the Hot One, and the Other One. Usually, the OO isn't unhot, just less hot than the HO. Here's the move, and it's simple.

Hit on the OO. simple, easy, like fish in barrel. Make conversation. Relax for a minute and realize that the OO has had to exercise her non-genital charms more than the HO and thus, might be better at conversation.

NOTE: if she isn't smarter than the HO, abandon ship and bail. This is the dreaded "head up ass" OO which means that she isn't DTF and that the HO is vapid and too dumb to recognize regular validation. The end result is cockblock by jealous HO who wants the usual tribute to her beauty, which is your rapt and celibate drink purchases.

If the OOis at all interesting, she should be flattered by your attention and break away from the HO. This OO has been subsisting on friend bomb diving wingmen for years and needs a catch of her own. Be that catch.

Oh, wait, what's that? HO is getting in the way right around hook-up two? yup, there's that old green eyed monster. She's jealous. the OO is getting play and the HO is not. This is unnatural and unnerving for all (fact: the OO will be more nervous and jittery than usual. It's the not the calorie boost from semen).

Right the natural order and give the HO what she wants.

There, doesn't everyone feel better?

This is a collection of the tracks I wish I had had in high school, to help me understand and deal with awakening to my bisexuality. The time that we need music the most in our youth.
Micheal-Franz Ferdinand. A great song with a great line “sticky hair, sticky hips,
stubble on my sticky lips” is even better because my first male crush was named Mykul. I’ll allow for HOMOphone jokes here.

I’ll cover you- Rent. A great love song for any couple, but sung between a bio-male and trans-woman, so better because it’s queer.

Someone to Love-Queen. Sometimes you just have to sing it out, and while he wasn’t always out, Freddie could always sing.

You’ve got a fast car-Tracy Chapman. I agree that artists shouldn’t use their sexual orientation to establish a market niche (tracy has never discussed her sexuality, but has been outed by a lover), and this song is good medicine for anyone, especially teenage boys and girls who need some escapist fantasy.

In these shoes?-Kirsty Maccoll. Within each of us, there is some fabulous diva. Channel the diva, when appropriate.

Origin of Love-Rufus Wainwright. Hedwig and the Angry Inch is something like a comedy of errors for the queer community, but it does have this truly romantic and melancholy gem in it. Rufus Wainwright does it best, though.

Sweet Transvestite- Rocky Horror Picture Show. Rocky is the first mainstream outlet for the drag in all of us.

Falling is like this- Ani DiFranco. It is somewhat obligatory to include the most vocal gay-rights proponent in music on this playlist, but beyond that, this song talks about love as genderless, which is both comforting and emotionally informative.

The bitch of living-spring awakening. There is nothing more gay teen than painfully unrequited love (and of course, quiet undertones of divine masturbation). Plus, knowing about Spring Awakening in 2003 would have made me the coolest kid in choir.

I’m still standing-Sir Elton John. Along with Ani and Freddie, Elton belongs on this list as queer musical royalty. This upbeat tune never fails to improve my day, and it’s impossible to not sing along.

Day 8-the sober beard.

Sobriety is like a beard. You must make a daily, inconvienient
decision to abstain from an act. No matter how much you itch today,
you've put in days of work beforehand to earn that glorious,
defeatable itch.

Day 4

Had a therapy meeting today. Supposed to talk about what I'm doing,
how I'm going to quit.

H1n1 strikes again. My therapist is down for the count. I still went
in, to talk about what's in my head with someone. I got a schedule for
AA. We'll see if I use it. I spent the rest of the day with
JoanieDrama and Killspy. It was nice. Alot of laughter and tv. I
guess this is my new life.

Last night

Last night, I had a dream. I was driving to a place called Sierra
Bend, somewhere in the mountainous eastern part of my state. I tend to
enjoy these drives, taking the long, snaky, uncertain path to my
destination. On this road to Sierra Bend, there were many switchbacks,
gravel sections, and bridges. There was traffic. I was low on fuel. I
was lost. And I was so busy driving that I couldn't look at the map or
the fuel gauge or do anything but dodge other cars and obstacles.

Moving was so hard that I didn't have time to know where I was going.
Still day three.