Hollywood knows: talk about marriage should be done with discretion.

My roommate, Tex, and his girlfriend, Non-Neurotic Dancer, are making dinner. I love it when they do this, because Tex is a great cook and includes me in the portion sizes. I try to reciprocate, but they eat together and I can rarely break into their plans enough to feed them.

It's chili tonight, I'm having a 2006 Bull's Blood.

That aside, Tex does his own taxes. He's doing them as the beans boil and NND tidies up a bit. They're discussing why he does his own taxes and how difficult it is when I hear this bombshell: "When we're married and have assets, It'll be harder."

WHA-HUH-HUT?!

Here is when marriage talk is appropriate:
Dad's got a gun and wants to open the floor for discussion.
Svetlana's visa is up, and her stripping gig is lucrative.
You've been together for 5 years, non-stop, and haven't gotten tired of your partner yet.
You've been together 7 years and the ultimatum comes.

Times when marriage talk is NOT appropriate:
either party is naked or drunk.
either party is in their first relationship.
either party has lost their virginity in the last 6 months.
either party is homeless or running away.
either party is unsure of their sexual orientation.
either party beleives the female orgasm is a myth.

Here is my personal opinion. I don't support marriage. I think it's a perverse lifestyle, and I think that married people are actively recruiting our children to their way. I get so tired of seeing two people holding hands on the street, openly broadcasting their sexual limits to one specific partner, trying to convince it's ok to sleep with the same person for life.

Now, I know we all get confused. Hell, I thought I wanted to be married once. I learned better, though, and now I see the clear truth. Marriage is unnatural and weird, and the people who do it are doomed to risk dealing with alimony, divorce, wine tasting, and never being able to flirt again.